Duckman on CompuServ

Well, it was bound to happen. Duckman has become connected, albeit via CompuServ. Here is Mike Markowitz's letter to in it's entirety. Enjoy!

Date: 7 MAR 1995 20:30:53 -0500 
From: MMarkowitz 
Subject: Compuserve's "Ask Duckman" (LONG) 

Hello!  I thought you all might be interested in something Compuserve is
doing this week in its Entertainment Drive Forum.  They're taking
questions for Duckman, and Duckman is posting his answers.  It's all
leading up to an on-line conference with the producers of the show on

Anyway, I got permission from the CIS folks to provide the Q and A' to
this group and (if Joe and Arnoud want) to the Web pages.  Let me know if
you want me to keep posting 'em.



##Dear DUCKMAN.....
	What do you think of this whole cyber-experience thing?  Nobody
can stare at you  -- at least that's pretty kewl, yes?

			James Zanewicz##

Dear Mr. Zannoo...Mr. Zaming...Mr. Zeldma...Jim,

When it comes to the Information Hershey Highway, or whatever it's called,
I'm kinda green.  I always thought of computers as something used to
process bad grades and bench warrants.  And the Internet?  I thought it
was that new kind of support-hose you slip dollar bills into at the Chicho
Mundy's Tick-Tock Lap Dance Palace and Canola Mart.

Besides, they kept saying you could use it to access libraries and
universities all over the world.  Who the hell wants to do that?!  I don't
go to the library around the corner!  And as far as universities are
concerned, I haven't set webbed foot in one since I was thrown out of
Belgren State College as a result of an incident involving an unfortunate
panties-firecrackers-manure-and-trusses prank.

But then I found out about what the Internet is *really* all about!  Free
pornographic pictures...and lots of 'em!!  The opportunity to carry on
discussions with people all over the world about which TV stars are gay
and which ones had breast implants...and which fall into both categories!!
 (Speaking of which, I am now legally barred from coming within 100 yards
of Kenny Rogers, but that's a whole other topic.)

And as if that weren't enough, the chance to have computer sex with women
while trying to pretend they're not really just men with Quantum Leap
Sliderule Cozies *pretending* to be women!??!!

(Sniff, sniff)  I'm home at last.

Yours until you say I'm not,

P.S.  You spelled "prety" wrong.


##Dear Duckman,
##Thought I'd let you know that you have gone international
##now.  23:45 on Friday night on BBC2 your on. (I think about
##3 or maybe 4 people watch the show at the moment but I am
##spreading the word)
##Just wanna know if your ever gonna come over to England
##so that we can see your skills in person.  Don't worry
##about bringing over Cornfed, he's not the REAL STAR.
##Richard A. Wray
##(Even thought of giving Fluffy and Uranus tickets to an
##english soccer game, I'm sure it would be fun to watch)


Fluffy and Uranus are still upset about our recent game of cricket.  Well,
strictly speaking it wasn't cricket.  I just chased them around the office
for two days with a flamethrower and a pair of rusty pliers, but I was
wearing knickers!

Thanks for the invite!  I was in England once dealing with some legal
matters (some extradition flap over a ferret-vivisection mishap) and was
concerned, since my previous overseas experience (I had the crap beat out
of me in a nudie bar on Staten Island) was less than ideal.   I have to
admit, I was disappointed.  Not only could I not find a single English
Muffin anywhere, but I was, I feel, the victim of a gross

See, I once turned on CSPAN...Well, OK, I didn't quite "turn it on," it's
just that my illegal cable hookup went on the fritz and it came on by
mistake) and saw all the members of Parliament Funkadelic or the House of
Usher or whatever it's called, and they were yelling at the Prime
Minister!  I naturally assumed this was something you could do all the
time, so when I arrived in London I headed over to 10 Downing Street and
tossed some of my best Grade-A zingers...y'know some lend lease jokes, a
couple of Falkland hunks... Well, I was "asked" to please put leaving the
country on my "shedyule"...

But I hold no malice toward England's green and pleasant land!  Ah, when I
dream of summers at Flightiz-On-Thyme, winters at Corning-On-Cob, and
springs at the Slinky Museum in Birmingham.  Why even today, out of
nostalgia for my English sojourn, I still occasionally eat out of a
rolled-up newspaper.  (I find Manwich-and-Boston-Globe to be my favorite.)

Keep watching, and thanks for Peter Noone and Roddy McDowall.  We use them
all the time!

Yours, mine and ours,


##Thanks for the reply Duckman.  Am I the first English contact?

Strictly speaking, no.  Once, backstage after an ELO concert, I  got a
masterful creme de menthe swirl job from one of the girls travelling with
the band.  You are, however, the first English contact after which I did
not need antibiotics.

##Thanks for using Roddy McDowell and Peter Noone
##but we never did manage to find a use for PeeWee Herman.

Listen up, Nigel, I'll take Pee Wee over Benny Hill and Frankie Howerd any
day.  One more remark like that and I'll tear you a new Chunnel.  You
haven't had a good idea since the Magna Charta, with the possible
of the Page Three Girls.

##PS   The only legal way to do any kind of English Muffin
##is in your own home, (tried it in public once and now doing
##2 hours community service every week for the next six months)

You should try the French Lick, the Maine Lobster, the Swiss Miss and the
Spanish Fly...Hommina hommina how wah!

##Best wishes from The First True English DuckMan Fan!!!!!!

And best wishes back at ya.  My best to all the English.  Make yourselves
home: Sell something to an Arab.

Frightfully yours,


##Why the son with the two heads?

I don't have a son with two heads, Buster Brown.  I have two sons with one

Yours cruelly,


##Dear Duckman:

## What do you think of your creator, Everett Peck? Does he
##annoy you? Does it annoy you that you started out in a comic
##book? Do you deny your roots? Spit it out, Duckman, spit it
##out!  What do I win?

##Chris Crosby, SCC

Dear Chris,

(My mother's maiden name was SCC!)

What you win is the honor of getting a personal note from a major TV
star...well, okay, a minor
TV, all right, someone on USA.  That's not important!!  What you
also win is a
"Sandwich du Knuckles" if you mention Everett Peck again!

As it happens you bring up a sore point, and not in the same way that the
sight of Claudia
Schiffer brings up a sore point.  This Peck character is a drek-drawing R.
Crumb bum, an ill
illustrator, a queer quill-swinger, an El Marko de short, a
genuine, grade-A no-goodnik
of the panel-filler set.  If they made a movie of his life, it'd be some
psycho-cartoonist flick,
maybe "The Hand That Rocks The Nib."

This Charles Schultz wannabe, who isn't fit to shine my webs, actually
claims to have *created*
me, when it should be perfectly clear that is was a benificent God who did
that particular public
works project.

All Peck has done is profit mightily off of my good name...This is
especially annoying since I
have never been able to make a dime off of said name.  (The only real
money I ever made was
under the name of Hector Ruiz back in '85-'86, those dizzy, heady, 
anything-goes heydays of
expansion league cockfighting.)

Peck only manages to avoid a lawsuit because of his ever-changing address
and Social Security
number, as well as his deep pockets (pockets, by the way, into which his
hands are always
suspiciously thrust and active; this guy's schnuts get jiggled and jostled
more than Lainie Kazan
in spaghetti straps!)

But, hey, I shouldn't take it out on you.  You just got me upset, first
mentioning Peck, and then
saying "Spit it out, spit it out."  It happens that phrase brings up bad
memories, since...oh, wait,
there are kids on Compuserve, aren't there?  Umm...Never mind

Keep on truckin,


##Date:  March 4th, 1995
##To:   Sir Duckman
##Re:  A SocioCultural Issue in the form of a Rant, which is
   what you like. 
##From Who?:  Percival Bear (polar bear)
##Hint:  Ignore the man in the above "From" column.  I do
   not speak for him.

##Dear Sir Duckman,

##Let me introduce myself.  I am Percival Bear.  I watch and watch and
watch your show.  I
have done this three times.  Anyway, I am under the impression that this
wonderfully benign yet
rancid kick-in-the-nuts show lacks one essential element--it lacks the
appearance of Bears.
There are no Bears there.  This should concern you, for I am a Bear, and
you are a Duck.  I,
Percival Bear, would probably just argue with you, but my Bear Buddies
will roast you over a
Hibachi to have Duck Burgers.  I am trying to protect you from further
harm.  Get that depressed
P.I. Pig away from me!

##I see you, a Duck named Duckman, a pig-sidekick whose name I do not
know, nor your ugly
wife and kids and others whose names I do not care to know anyway.  Where
are your Bears?  I
cannot play along with my other Bear Buddies, who now hate you with all
their Bear might, The
Special Game, as we're watching the tube when it's screaming DUCKMAN all
over the living

##"Hey...Where's the Bear?"  "....Over there!"  (pointing at TV screen)

##You know this game! (We have played this game since the very first Bear
Ursus Neanderthal
had to find something more to do than eat and take a dump in a big hole
that smells.)  Us Bears
do "Where's the Bear" over and over and over again because we only know
how to do just this,
since we are trying to Civilize Ourselves, and keep us from drinking Too
Much Beer.  Us Bears
have seen your show three times.  We intend to see more.

##This lack of Bear Exposure is really getting on our nerves.  This is
probably due to the fact that
all the other Animals think Bears are Filled With The Poo, and that we are
expected to eat nuts
and honey and berries like some Boo Boo Bear Wuss, hibernate in caves as
if we were on L-
Dopa, and growl like Idiots because Mr. Hunter is gonna f&%# with us
again.  Worst of all, we
Bears look soooo cute when we knock down a pine tree, pounce on Bear
Girlfriend from the
behind, and jiggle ourselves silly as an apertif!  This is not right!  We
need more Bears!

##There are no Bears upon thy screen of thus DUCKMAN show.  I have said it
again. Now I am
fully aware that other animals want their BullPoo on the screen too, for
possibly very good
reasons, most likely to create more Game Versions of "Where's The Bear." 
Such as, "Where's
the Whale?"  "Where's the Monitor Lizard?"  "Where's The Lice?"   Where's
this, where's that.
Screw their Poo!

##There are no Bears!  I am not an Ethnocentric Bear!  I am just saying,

##Now Bears are good for many things.  There can be Bear Cops.  There can
be Very Bad Bear
Cops.  There can be Bear Criminals That Confess To Bear Talk Shows From
Jail.  Bear Doctors,
Bear Lawyers, Bear Fashion Designers, Bear Car Manufacturers, Bear
Nuclear-Bomb Errors,
Bears Everywhere!  The world can be filled with Bear!  It can and will be

##Now I, Percival Bear, a Bear with Polar Bear Tendencies, respect you,
Sir Duckman, very very
deeply.  I bow to you, humbly.  I bow to you again, humbly.  Once more, I
shall bow to you.  See,
I have manners!

##Anyway, I like your show very much.  I am only a Simple Polar Bear with
no desire to be Poo
to everyone.  This is a Hard World, and not all things work out, and I
never ask for the
impossible, because frankly, I Do Not Care, I Am A Bear.  I just want to
see More Bears, that's
all.  I don't even care if you DON'T do it. (Some animals are Poo enough
to Care Too Much, look
where it gets them.  They end up in a smelly hole in the woods where the
portable toilets used to
be.  All I want to see are more Bears.  Circus Bears are fine too.)

##Now I also request to you, Sir Duckman Of Grand Unknown Talents That I
Do Not See (well, I
know you have a family of Sir Duckmans; that's one up on me, a Bear
looking for a Bear
Girlfriend) that you forget this letter promptly, and that you do not put
this in a library or archive or
museum, for this will put Percival Bear in Deep Poo again, and I do not
want Mr. Hunter coming
to my house.

##This letter is an illusion that can only be seen with the use of
hallucinogens.  In other words,
shake off that Etch-A-Sketch, this is what as known as a dream.  Now here
is a soft Bear Hug,
go to sleep, go to sleep.  (I did like that time you had an Etch-a-Sketch
Dream.  Those are the
best dreams to have.  I think.  I dunno.  My last acid trip wasn't worth

Percival Bear##

Uh...heh heh...Security?

Duckman is a Klasky Csupo / Paramount Television production in association with Reno & Osborn Productions and based upon the underground comic created by Everett Peck.

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